Well it has been a while since my last post I know and while I have a lot to update you on that will have to wait for another post. Today marks a year since my last surgery and I couldn’t let it pass without marking it on here.
Not going to lie, today filled me with mixed emotions, part of me couldn’t believe that a whole year has passed since my surgery, part of me is happy with how my recovery went whilst another big part of me is frustrated that I am still in chronic pain and am not yet able to do all the things I was able to do before.
The last few years have been a whirlwind, not only dealing with my injury, the surgeries and the recovery they entailed but also dealing with the sudden loss of my Dad. All of these things have taken a toll on me not only physically but it has been a mental challenge also, the overwhelming emotion I have been dealing with is Grief. Grieving not only the loss of my Dad, but grieving the loss of the “former” me. I am a different person to who I was three years ago, some people would probably say I am tougher than I was before given what I have been through but a lot of time they only see what I want them to see. Even on the hardest days I slap on some makeup, put on a smile and don’t talk about the pain I am in. I am so self conscious about people not feeling pity for me that my defence mechanism is to just act the same as I did before all this happened. I have never been one to really show emotions, very few people have seen me cry outside of my own family, I dealt with a lot when I was a kid and had to grow up pretty fast, Dad became ill when I was in my last few years of primary school and I had a little brother who I wanted to protect, our lives changed overnight and rather than having a normal life ours became centred around hospital appointments and Mum and Dad always being at the hospital when he was having treatment – before long this became our new normal and I guess I sort of became hardened to it. Then in later life when I became a mother, the normal path that most parents take for granted was not our reality. Having both children dealing with serious medical issues was a lot to deal with but having a partner to go through it with made a difference. With each hospital appointment came further bad news and after a while it just became what I would expect to happen. I guess the bottom line is I have had to become tough to it all otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to cope with it and my kids needed their Mum to be brave, not be frightened so they knew they would be okay.
Coming to terms with what has happened to me is not easy and if I am honest I don’t think that I will ever really accept it. It’s so hard knowing that you will never be the same as you were before but all I can do is carry on trying to be the best Wife, Mother, Daughter and Sister that I can and honestly as long as the people I love are ok then thats all that matters.
Apologies for the rambling post, I didn’t really know what I was going to write when I started this blog and its been a bit of a brain dump if I am honest and it feels good to have got it off my chest. I hope you are all well and I promise I will be back soon with a proper life update. In the meantime I hope your all staying safe and well.
Until next time